Exile Dib-The Series
by Invader Skarrch
Summary: Reunite with all your favorite Exile Dib characters: Dib, AVATAR, Zim, Purple, and Skarrch, in this new series from the mind that brought you Leap! Rated T for paranoia. Read Exile Dib if you want this to make any sense. Now with a singing Great Old One.
1. Welcome Back

**WELCOME BACK**

Skarrch**{***bowing***Thank you all for tuning in tonight, we've got a great show for you!}**

Purple _{__Yeah! It's gonna be AWESOME!}_

**{Mhmmm hmm. Well, tonight Dib's going to be going back to school! So without further ado, I present you with:}**

_{Welcome Back!}_

(A/N: Since I don't want to preface every line with the name of the speaker, from now on Skarrch speaks in **bold**, the guest speaks in_ italics_ and the Producer speaks in _**bold italics**_)

/

"Where have you been, Dib? You've been absent for two weeks." hissed .

"_I was at..._" AVATAR paused, not being an Earthly type. "...a seminar on the paranormal." finished Dib.

Zim chimed in "And I was on a normal Earth vacation." he explained.

"To where? Huh?" interrogated a taller, black-haired child near the back of the classroom.

"Insolent pig-stink! I went to..." Zim looked at a nearby map "...Somalia." he answered. He'd never heard of this Somalia place, but it looked nice enough. Dry, with a hot climate just like Irk.

"Yeah right!" said the boy. He reclined, a smug look on his face. "And just what did you learn at this _seminar_, huh?" he asked Dib.

Dib blanched "We learned about the vicious creatures of the African jungle." he said nervously.

"And where'd you get such a fancy backpack? It looks just like that green kid's!" said the boy, even smugger.

"Um─_Nowhere!_ _What backpack? I see no backpack!_" interjected AVATAR.

"I'm watching you." said the boy.

**{I like him!}**

_{_*dissmissive*_Whatever. He's nothing special.}_

**{Why so cynical, Pur?}**

_{I told you not to call me that!}_

"Boys, this is Louie. He's joining us from the High Skool. Louie, these are Zim and Dib, joining us from truancy." addressed

/

**At lunch...**

/

"Hey Gaz! You're Dib's sister, right? Have you ever seen Dib sit with Zim?" asked Louie.

"No, never." said Gaz, before returning to her game. She was at Bonus Level 36, _Invasion Of The Piggy Snatchers. _Dib was sitting directly next to Zim, although he was ignoring him. The were both looking at their food with disgust.

"Hey, Dib! From what I hear, Zim and you are mortal enemies! What happened to that?"

"What do you mean?" asked Dib, feigning naivety.

Louie wasn't buying it "You know perfectly well what I mean!" he countered.

Zim spoke up "Filthy human, you know not of what you speak! Make silence!"

"I will get to the bottom of this!" said Louie to no one in particular.

/

**That night, at Dib's house...**

/

"Hmmmm. Well, staking out Dib's bedroom is risky, but it's the only way to know for sure." mumbled Louie. He lifted his binoculars and peered through the window. He gasped.

/

_Of course I have to turn off the hologram, I don't have that kind of battery!_ AVATAR argued. "I'm just saying, what if someone sees me! I'll be vivisected!" _You know, not everyone is as obsessive as you are. Let's just get it over with. _Dib's outline went fuzzy, and a shortish Irken, with jagged antennae and blue eyes, appeared in his place. _C'mon, let's get to bed._

/

"Woah! I knew all about Zim, but this is an entirely new angle! I can't account for two aliens." gasped Louie. He grabbed his binoculars and notes, stuffed them in his duffel, and scurried off. He'd think about it more in the morning.

/

**{Well, this is a new turn! How will Dib survive? Is Louie an alien?}**

_{No, no he's not!}_

**{Shut up! Find out in the next, exciting episode of-}**

_**{Hang on a moment, you aren't finished yet!}**_

**{Mr. Producer! What do you want?}**

_**{You still have to do the bonus segment.}**_

**{Fine. Now: Random Zim hate slogans, courtesy of SloganMaker!}**

If I had the chance to become Zim, I would rather stay myself.

Zim is like the pickle in a cheese burger. He's always there but nobody likes him.

Every time I see Zim I want to wake up from the nightmare.

Zim is the walking, talking proof that you don't have to be sentient to survive.

Zim's stupidity exceeds any measurable value.

_{Bwahahahaha!}_

**{Hey, I decide when to laugh! And... AHAHAHAHA!}**

_**{HUEKUEKUEKUEKUE! Hilarious!}**_

**{Whoa, what kinda laugh is that?}**

_**{What, all Old Ones laugh that way. Huekuekue! CUT!}**_


	2. Tales From the Bridge: Chapter 1

**TALES FROM THE BRIDGE:CHAPTER 1**

**/**

_**{Ah. Yes. Welp, this is a spinoff-character-development-episode-thing that one of the writers wanted to write. Isn't that right, Lenny?}**_

{Yessir, . Please don't eat my soul!}

/

Varck fell back into his beanbag, furious. _Blarr! _As good friends as they were, he still seethed at his new roommate.

"What'd I do?" asked the shorter, yellow-eyed Irken.

"YOU DESTROYED MY ROOM!" said Varck.

"Alls I did was press that big button! I thought it was the coffeemaker!"

"It was labeled 'Room Eject', which you would know if you could READ! Now I have to live with you while they pick up the charred wreckage!"

"Are you okay?" asked an Irken standing in the door. She was slightly shorter then Blarr, and her puce eyes twinkled in the light.

"Bonn! I didn't know you were coming." said Blarr sheepishly.

"Well, I got a day off, seeing as I did so well on that cake. So, I came to see my two best friends." Bonn had baked the cake for Tallest Purple's homecoming party, and Purple had personally complimented her on it in front of the whole cafeteria. She was the envy of the ship.

"Before you came in, I was telling Blarr how he shot my room into Cygnus B."

"Oh dear, here we go again." As Chief of Cake on the Massive, she was at the top of her career; but ever since Blarr had accidentally ran into her in the halls, she'd felt a longing for something... deeper. Ah well, best to think about it later.

/

{Really short first episode. Just had to add some thematic underpinnings for later events.}

**_{Oh, is _that _what that was? I thought it was... Actually kind of good. Write me another!}_**


	3. Old One Rock

**Old One Rock**

**{Since _somebody _can't come up with a good episode}**

Lenny:{I'm working on it!}

**{The Producer's gonna sing you a song, to the tune of Cyclops Rock (copyright TMBG)}**

_**{I dedicate this song to my "friend" Radical Larry.}**_

/

_**I taught you how to Old One rock**_

_**And then you go and turn around and break my heart**_

_**And then you go and waste my Old One time**_

_**Mess up my Old One mind**_

_**I'm sick**_

_**Like Dwicky was sick**_

_**My defeated heart keeps beating on**_

_**I won't die**_

_**Like Dwicky won't die**_

_**But I'm not here to socialize**_

_**Gotta find a new place to hang out**_

_**'Cause I'm tired of living in Hell**_

_**I'm a mess**_

_**Since you cut me out**_

_**But Dwicky's arm keeps me company**_

_**I'm a fright**_

_**With my smoky glare**_

_**All the children run away from me**_

_**Gotta find new friends to hang with**_

_**'Cause you're all afraid of me**_

_**And I taught you how to Old One rock**_

_**And then you go and turn around and break my heart**_

_**And then you go and waste my Old One time**_

_**Mess up my Old One mind**_

_**Dan!**_

_**It was sweet**_

_**Like lead paint is sweet**_

_**But the after-effect left me paralyzed**_

_**I just stare**_

_**With my two red eyes**_

_**Hoping you won't be back again**_

_**There's a whole new generation**_

_**Waiting to be wrecked by you**_

_**I taught you how to Old One rock**_

_**And then you go and turn around and break my heart**_

_**You waste my Old One time**_

_**And mess up my Old One mind**_

_**Pony, Twist, Monkey, and Frug**_

_**These are the things that I taught to you**_

_**Hitchhike, Boogie, Hypocrite Bop**_

_**I'm stuck in a van outside of New York**_

_**AAAAAAAAAHHH!**_

_**Taught you how to Old One rock**_

_**And then you go and turn around and break my heart**_

_**You waste my Old One time**_

_**And I've got a Old One mind**_

/

**{That was odd.}**

_**{Larry, I'm coming for you! You can't hide in the Pocket Dimension forever!}**_

**{What?}**

_**{Oh, I'll tell all about him later. Fun guy, really. Likes teleporting.}**_

**{Are you going to sing regularly?}**

_**{What can I say? I've got the music inside me!}**_


	4. Just Another Girl

**JUST ANOTHER GIRL**

/

**{Hello, and again, welcome to Exile Dib-The Series! Tonight's episode is so emotionally scarring, we got a board-certified psychologist! From space! Give a warm welcome to Mr. Matthew Dwicky!}**

_[Hi kids! I was just reading the script,and MAN is it scarring. Especially the part where Dib kis-}_

**{Shush! Do you want to spoil it for the kids?}**

{Yes!}

**{Hush, Lenny! If there are no further interruptions-}**

_**{HEUKEUKEU!}**_

**{I-now-present-you-with-Just-Another-Girl.}**

/

It was just another average day at Skool. Louie was plotting something devious, Zim was yelling, and Dib was... bored. He hadn't had done anything in three weeks but go to Skool. Then, he heard a noise from outside the door. It creaked open to reveal...

...the most beautiful girl he'd seen in his whole life. "Hello, my name is Maliki Smiley Azalea Gothica Darcy Sue. I'm new."

_That is the most obvious Mary Sue I've ever seen. God, what are we doing here, when we could be eating nachos on the Massive._Dib ignored AVATAR and stared at Sue.

_{What's a Mary Sue?}_

**{Technical term.}**

"Can I sit next to the boy with the normal-sized head?" said Sue, motioning to Dib. Ms. Bitters, transfixed and jealous, sent the unlucky child next to Dib into the Underground Classrooms. Sue sat down, glancing at Dib with a sparkle in her eyes. "What's your name?" she asked.

_Don't tell her anything! _"My name's Dib." said Dib, again ignoring AVATAR.

"I like that name." said Sue. She glanced at the paper, quickly filled out the answers, and handed it to Ms. Bitters.

"These are all correct!" said Bitters, amazed.

_I've got my eye on her._

/

_**At lunch...**_

/

Dib and Sue were in the lunch line, queued up to get their "Government Issue" corn and mayonnaise. The putrid concoction slurped onto Dib's tray, and he walked off. Sue passed him, brushing his shoulder with a hand, and he felt an intense burning sensation where she'd touched him. "OW!" he yelled.

**{How original.}**

_**{I don't pay Lenny to be original.}**_

{You don't pay me at all!}

"Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry, that happens sometimes." said Sue, blushing.

Dib'd felt this sensation before, at the jellyfish exhibit in the aquarium. _YOU FELL INTO A JELLYFISH TANK! The people I put up with. _But this sting was like nothing he'd felt before. There was a strange tingling, as well as a feeling that he was perfectly safe. _Somehow, I doubt that._ "Let's have Zim look at it. Maybe he'll know."

"Who are you talking to?"asked Sue.

"Nobody." said Dib, and he ran off to Zim's table, where the aforementioned Invader sat, poking at his slop. "Can you look at this sting?" Dib pulled up his sleeve to reveal a hand-shaped pattern of angry red welts.

"It looks like a- no, that's impossible, there aren't any within a hundred light-years." said Zim.

"Any what?"

"It look like a Meekrob sting, but they were conquered a while ago. How would one come to be on Earth?"

"I don't know." said Dib, wondering.

/

_**After school...**_

/

Sue walked up to Dib, who was brooding on the stoop. She put a hand on his shoulder, and Dib noticed she was wearing gloves. "Sorry about hurting you. Do you want to come over to my house? We could...hang out."

_{IMPLYING THE IMPLICATIONS!}_

_Nonononononono! Don't trust her! _"Sure, how about I walk home with you?" Dib got up, and he and Sue began to walk.

/

_**Some time later...**_

/

They stood before a pristine white house, still shining with wet paint. It was a new development, and one of the few truly 'clean' places in the city. The front door creaked as they walked in. The interior was almost devoid of furniture, except for a table and two chairs. Sue invited him to sit down, and he took a seat.

_{Into the lair of the beast...}_

"So, what do you like to do in your free time?" asked Dib. Sue was silent. "Sue?" Dib saw her eyes appeared to be draining of color, turning pure white. _This always happens when I go on dates. _"When have you ever been on a date? Sue!" Sue's hair began to float, as if she were on the surface of water. Then, _she_ began to float, rising above the chair, small arcs of crackling energy running down her hair. The white pallor from her eyes then raced outward, like water from a breached dam, turning her whole body milky white, even her clothes. The outline of her body started to become amorphous, and her clothes melted away into her skin.

_{DUN DUN DUN!}_

Not to worry, by this stage her body was just a vague humanoid shape. The shape shrunk inward into a sphere, and morphed into a new form. It looked vaguely like a pair of lungs, with a thin membrane forming a set of six wispy 'wings'. It was the unmistakeable figure of a Meekrob.

_{That's why I'm here.}_

"_Dib! I've finally found you! After ten thousand years of search, my quest for vengeance is almost complete!_" said the Meekrob.

"Why are you after me? And it's only been, like, three weeks since I got home." asked Dib.

"_You inadvertently destroyed our only ambassador to the Irken!_" said the Meekrob

/

**Flashback!**

/

_"You have to try!" exclaimed Dib. A cable snaked out from his PAK, interfacing with the main controls. "__SO MUCH POWER! I AM A GOD!____"_ "Get over it, there are lives at stake, yours included." The ship rumbled again, and an orange glow appeared over the windscreen. Dib's antennae went straight up, and several panels began flashing red. "_Oops, that'll be the entry plasma.__"_

_KACHUNCK! A small white pod spiraled away, hit by the reentering ship, on fire. It exploded with a small poof._

/

"Sorry!" said Dib, evasively, as Sue hovered towards him, tentacles primed to deliver a lethal sting. He heard a loud explosion from outside.

"_Sorry isn't good enough! Prepare to die!_" Sue extended a tentacle, letting out a staccato hum.

BOOM! The rear wall exploded, scattering plaster bits around the living room. Zim and the Professor were standing there, and Zim was holding a large (for him) tubular weapon, which was smoking. "Son, what did I tell you about going home with girls!" said the Professor.

"_What! You can't do this!_" said Sue

Zim casually pointed the tube at Sue.

"GET DOWN!"

Zim pulled the trigger, and 19 rockets, each one with a curving, random path, burst-fired from the tube. The next few seconds were a haze of light and sound. When the turmoil ended, the room was in ruins. Sue was gone, and all that was left of the house were some supporting beams. "Wow." said Dib, awed by the impressive display of firepower.

"_I think that that went... well. Better than most of the dates I go on._" said AVATAR belatedly. "What!? You're going on dates? USING MY BODY! GET OVER HERE!" Dib futilely tried to grab AVATAR off his back, but his arms were too short. Membrane looked on as Dib ran off, clawing his back.

"My poor, insane son."

/

**{Now: Mr. Dwicky tries: The RubyCo. Electric Can Opener.}**

_{What? Oh, this thing. It looks kind of intimidating.}_

_[WHIIIIRRRRR! CLANK-CLANK-CLANK-CLANK CLICK!]_

_{Hmmm. Is it done? *poke*}_

_[WHIIIRRRRRRUMMMMMMM SPOLICHK-CRUNCH]_

_{OH GOD MY ARMS! I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH BLOOD! *swoon*}_

_**{Did somebody say blood? OH GREAT COSMIC OWL, THANK YOU FOR THIS GIFT!}**_

~The following scenes were deleted due to breach of contract with RubyCo. Apparently, having a horrible death-beast lap blood off their machine 'cast their product in a negative light'.~


End file.
